in loving memory of scoliosis

I’ve just read your post and I had the feeling you were referring to me, like it is something I would describe while writing about my spinal fusion story.

http://hellogiggles.com/on-learning-to-love-my-scar

thank you for encouraging me to write this post back to you. and you. and you.

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I went to see a masseuse the other day, and I was told I have ‘mild spinal deformation‘. I keep forgetting that my spine is not completely straight, but I could never forget what it looked like before the operation. 10 years ago it changed my life. I will never know if it made me a better person, but for sure it helped me get through. It made me accept things and people as they are, and to care less about superficial things. it taught me not to complain much and to endure more, and to be thankful for this fragile life and for people who make you forget the pain.
still it sometimes makes me grumpy, nervous, and bitchy; but you should never wonder ‘why me?’, because everything happens for a reason. I know I’m exceptional, just like everyone else. I didn’t miss anything, I only gained. Besides, it’s good to know if the weather is going to change up front!

I don’t need to talk about the physical pain and mental sufffering you experience in such situation. for those who have been through something similar, know the feeling. those who haven’t, probably don’t even care.

but let me tell you something else. at that time I was 15. scared and clueless about life and about my future. not to mention how vain I was, always thinking about what would the others think. I was told I can get the scar removed two years later, so I had to wait. but soon I’ve realized I’m never getting rid of these 29 centimeters. this scar is the best thing on my body. I even decided to make a tattoo on. I put it above the scar, not over it, cause I wanted to highlight it, not hide it.

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the quote I put was not any kind of philosophical or motivational saying, but just something I found on graffiti wall in some random alley in Greece several years ago. I don’t even know the author. it is about one poor birdie which is locked in a cage,  and that is all. you can draw the conclusion yourself. the bird is either still trapped in the ribcage, or it is already gone, flying high and free. whatever you like more. it depends if you are a tragedy or a comedy person. or both. in which case you are crazy or bipolar. or just being yourself.

on my 10th anniversary I threw a party in loving memory of scoliosis. just to celebrate life, and everything that goes with it.

make the best of what you have. when life gives you lemons…oh just suck it up!!!

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‘Κάποια πουλιά τραγουδούν για λευτεριά, κάποια φεύγουν και πετούν ψηλά’

(some birds sing about freedom, some leave and fly high)

stručni ispit za nestručne ljude

svi nalazi kažu: negativno

to je najpozitivnije moguće značenje ove riječi. i u mojoj glavi sve je pozitivno. jer odlučila sam, bit ću zdrava.
nakon mjeseci silnih pretraga, doktora, bolnice, bolesti, više mi je dosta.
ne želim da moje tijelo trpi zbog moje nesređene duše i nemirne glave. ne želim slušati o stresu i o posljedicama istog.
sad je vrijeme da ti pokažem nešto što napisah onda kada je ta zbrka bila najveća. tj.gotovo najveća. 2011.je definitvno bila još zeznutija. no o tome nećemo sada. samo slušaj:

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dobra je stvar što sam položila stručni. sada mogu pisati ono što želim, čitati ono što izaberem i (na)učiti ono što volim. mogu raditi ono što volim, ili ono što želim. biti sretna ili slobodna. mogu voljeti život ili mu opet tražiti nedostatke i popunjavati rupe svojim ispadima tuge ili bijesa. ne moram više plakati. ili mogu plakati. ali iz dobrih razloga. ali zbog njega ne. to nije vrijedno niti da zasluži slova na papiru. da bespotrebno zauzima mjesto zanimljivim stvarima.
samo znam da tako funkcionira sustav. radi ono što ti se kaže i kaži ono što drugi žele čuti. takav budi, klimaj glavom. i šuti kad seru po tebi. kad ti govore sranja ti to progutaj i probavi, pa iseri zajedno sa drugim sranjima kojih si se najeo.
imala sam svoje periode kreativnosti. gdje su sada nestali? ostala je samo ludost koju sada ne znam usmjeriti gdje treba. kao da sam se izmorila beznačajnim učenjem bezciljne teorije, metodike, definicija, zaključaka, istraživanja, pa još malo teorije. teorija bez iskustva, bez prakse, bez mogućnosti ispravljanja, bez mogućnosti pogrešaka. jer ih nećeš moći napraviti, jer nećeš imati priliku.
i rečeno mi je da poradim na pismenosti. ne znam što to znači. pretpostavljam da je moja pismenost na dostojnom nivou akademskog građanina. i da poradim na urednosti. s tim se slažem. ali bože moj, ubuduće me nemoj ograničiti na tri sata pa ću stići biti pedantnija. vrlo dobro i nadasve detaljno uočavaju i proučavaju svakog pojedinog idiota koji im se pojavi svakih nekoliko mjeseci. pa ga ižvaču i ispljunu. i onda se osjećaju bolje, lakše, rasterećeno.  a u tebi ostaje letargija.
u jednome trenu mi je došlo da ustanem i odšećem. bez ikakve fame. bez scene, bez prepirke. toliko mi je postalo svejedno da se čak ne bih pobrinula objasniti svoje razloge. jer ih ionako ne bi zanimalo. indiferentnost je najgori mogući osjećaj. ili budi predan, ili nemoj. ali ovo, kao da visiš negdje u sredini, a ni sam ne znaš što bi sa sobom. ali nisam odšetala. ne smijem protiv sistema. ne smijem nasekirati druge ljude, osramotiti svoju obitelj i svoje kolege te ravnatelja koji zastupa školu koju sam ja zastupala svojim (ne)znanjem.
to je sada iza mene. zašto ne mogu pustiti, opustiti se. zašto činim svoje roditelje nesretnima, kad me toliko vole, kad se toliko brinu. ponosni na moje profesionalne uspjehe, stalno se pitaju za moju sreću, u privatnoj sferi života, ovog kako reći efemernog i često beskorisnog života. bravo!!! i to je riješeno! sada se možeš opustiti, zaljubiti se, neki stalni posao možda naći, ah di ćeš bolje, onda si sredila čitav život.

Kad bi to barem bilo lako, kad bi to barem bilo sve.

zar je grijeh željeti drugačije?

zar je sramota željeti manje od onoga što ti život možda sada pruža?

TURNING and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity. … (W.B. Yeats)

farewell

awesome night, awesome people.

i was looking at you, thinking if we’ve met before. i don’t think so, but anyway you seemed familiar. i wanted to talk to you all night long. but just couldn’t let myself in for such thing.

i’m sad that you are leaving. i like having you around. funny thing is, i was hanging out with you couple of years ago, when you decided to show up again. you made a good friend.
you made me laugh.

i saw you sitting there and i knew who you were.  i have never seen you before, at least not in live.  but i just knew it. he used to love you. and maybe he still does. i wouldn’t tell because i don’t know him that much. maybe he is still longing for you in his dreams. or maybe you love each other for real but keep it a secret. you are just like in pictures. strange but beautiful.

one more thing. did you see me riding near by you on the road? or were you pretending, just like I was. trying to make you invisible, trying to make me invisible.

what is wrong with you, intruding like that. it used to be my meeting point for years. and now, all of a sudden, you are sitting there.

Amelie & Bukowski coincidence

unlike any other day, i was reading newspapers in the morning. then i found out in the guide that Amelie movie is playing. i went home, turned the tv on, which i haven’t done in a while. and i watched her again. i couldn’t help it. like i didn’t know the happy ending, i was flooding the room with tears. like i’m watching some awful tragedy instead. then you showed up and made fun of me, cause you always do that if mum or i cry while watching movies. i had my reasons. you can not understand.

i’ve been listening to amelie soundtrack for months in my apartment, all day long, repeat, repeat. you make me creative and destructive at the same time.

in the evening i found your message. you sent me Bukowski’s poem in English.  it seemed familiar and i took a poem collection which i have here and found the same poem there, Genij gomile. i underlined most of the poem because the words just echoed in my head.  it sounds even better in croatian. that’s why i like having books and not borrowing them. so that i can write on and highlight important stuff.

when i opened Bukowski’s book, there it was. on the covers. a quote from Amelie, my best quote from the whole movie.

zaljubljena je. -ali ne poznajem ju. -ma poznaješ. -odkud? -oduvijek. iz snova…

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it must be destiny, cause it can’t be just coincidence. how is it called, serendipity? all of my days are made of these stories. Moires (Moirae goddesses) are playing pranks on me. they really want to make me crazy, scare me, change me.

people change me. nature changes me. you change me.

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and THE poem is here, narrated by Bukowski himself

1st photo source: source: http://www.photobooth.net/movies_tv/index.php?movieID=45